Not Another Fantasy AU!
by Artemis Day
Summary: In a magical land far, far away, lives an irritable elf and his merman friend. Well, actually it's just Edward Elric and Tamaki Suoh, but they ARE an elf and a merman in this story! Also featuring L from Death Note as a centaur. Semi-crack GiftFic.


It was a beautiful day in the magical land of… um… uh… magic…

…

Ahem. Anyway, the forest was alive and full of happiness and joy. Little rabbits hopped along on their merry way, birds built their nest and chirped their songs, squirrels gathered nuts to be stored away until dinner time. The trees were lush with green leaves, some of them had even sprung apples, which were quickly eaten by the hungry animals. The sky was clear, not a single cloud marring it's lovely blue. The surrounding lake was calm as could be, filled with clear drinking water and all manner of sea life.

Yes, it was without a doubt the most pristine, picturesque little forest one could ever hope to see. And it would've remained as such, were it not for the dark figure barreling through the bushes at high speed, shoving branches out of his way and crushing delicate flowers under his boots. The woodland animals ran at the sight of him, the rabbits into their burrows, the birds and squirrels into the trees.

His dark aura continued to spread, sucking the life out of whatever it touched. He stomp over a tiny ant hill, coming inches away from crushing it flat and ending thousands of lives. A low grumble escaped his lips as a fallen branch nearly caused him to trip. He kicked it out of the way and moved on, heedless of the fear his mere presence created in the citizens of the forest.

What was this being, you may ask. A monster? A demon? An evil beast come to rain terror down on the innocent creatures, leaving nothing alive or untouched in his wake?

Nope! It's just a really pissed off elf, come to visit a dear friend of his who happened to live in the lake. The blonde headed elf stepped onto the wooden dock, the planks of which strained under his weight, but kept sturdy regardless. His footfalls were hard as can be, betraying just as much rage as his hard gold eyes did. When he reached the end of the line, the elf jammed his hand into his pocket and pulled out a handful of decently sized rocks, the first of which he proceeded to hurl into the lake with all his strength.

"Hey!" he shouted at the water. "Come out here!"

He threw another, and then another, and then another. By the fifth rock, he'd received no response, and figurative smoke was steaming out his ears.

"I know you're down there," he bellowed, the volume of his voice shocking a flock of nearby birds out of hiding and into the air. "I will drag you out if I have to!"

He balled his fist and threw the remaining rocks into the water together. Be it this action, his growing threats, or just pure coincidence, a figure burst out of the water right at that moment, making the elf jump back a step in surprise. He quickly regained his bearings as the sea creature, also a blonde with wide, cheerful violet eyes, used the dock to hoist himself up just high enough that the very top of his lavender colored fish tail was visible. He smiled.

"Well, if it isn't my dear friend, Edward Elfric," he joyously said. "What a wonderful surprise, how are you this fine day?"

"Don't try to butter me up, Mer-Tamaki," Edward hissed through grit teeth. "You know damn well what I'm doing here, so cut the crap."

Mer-Tamaki blinked, his relaxed posture faltering at the harshness of Edward's words.

"I- I'm sure I don't know what you mean…"

"Oh _sure_," Edward said as Mer-Tamaki trailed off. "I bet you don't. I bet you have _no_ recollection _whatsoever_ of what you did."

Edward shifted positions, and Mer-Tamaki noticed for the first time that his every movement carried with it an unpleasant squelching sound.

"Obviously, you would never recall filling my entire house with water!"

He pulled a large alchemy text out of his jacket as he spoke, revealing it's sopping wet hard cover and several pages close to falling out. Mer-Tamaki glanced from it, back to Edward, who was turning completely red from his fingers to the tips of his pointed ears.

"Oh," Mer-Tamaki said awkwardly, his fingers curling involuntarily. "Oh wow, that's… that's just awful! I certainly hope you find the culprit, but I can promise you, I had nothing to do with this."

Edward raised an eyebrow, withdrawing the ruined book and replacing it in his pocket.

"Don't give me that," he seethed, taking an intimidating step closer. "I _saw_ you watching over at the ravine while I was almost drowning, you ass!"

"Come on, it wasn't that much water," Mer-Tamaki insisted without thinking. "…I mean, I didn't do it, really! You don't really think I'd play such a prank on my good friend do you?"

The elf said nothing, which raised the tension by an order of magnitude and did absolutely nothing for Mer-Tamaki's growing bout of nerves.

"…You should talk to Mer-Hikaru and Mer-Kaoru," he then suggested. "They might know something!"

"Oh, they do," Edward nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. "I know, because I saw them with you, laughing their tails off like banshees. I'll be dealing with them later, you're the first on my list."

He grinned an evil grin that could make old ladies faint and babies cry. Mer-Tamaki felt like doing both of those things and more, but aside from inching backwards a little, he remained in place, determined not to let the elf get the better of him.

"Fine, I apologize," Mer-Tamaki said, looking right into Edward's and speaking in strong tones. "Though if I may, I don't see why you're getting so worked up about this. We all play pranks on each other all the time."

"This was different," Edward shot back, balling his fists. "I had a… a very important meeting that day, and I had to cancel it because ALL OF MY STUFF WAS SOAKING WET!"

Mer-Tamaki had to lean away from the force of Edward's shout. He bit his lip as he drew himself forward again, tentatively addressing the heavily breathing elf.

"What kind of meeting?"

It was an innocent enough question, Mer-Tamaki wouldn't even mind if Edward didn't want to answer. But when Edward's face turned an even brighter shade of red than Mer-Tamaki ever could have managed, his curiosity was fatally piqued.

"Edward?" he gently prompted his friend.

"It was nothing," Edward answered so fast and quietly, Mer-Tamaki had to strain to hear it.

"Nothing," Mer-Tamaki repeated, turning the words over in his head, looking for a hidden meaning to them. He didn't believe the elf in the slightest. Mer-Tamaki gazed into Edward's eyes, or tried to anyway. The elf was doing everything in his power to avoid eye contact. That, coupled with his beet colored cheeks and the beads of sweat forming on his forehead brought forth the very obvious answer, and made Mer-Tamaki's eyes widen. "I see… you were going to meet that pretty elf girl, weren't you?"

Edward's whole body jerked as a strangled cry erupted from his throat. Mer- Tamaki gave a cheeky grin.

"Miss Rockelf is her name, correct?" he went on as Edward grew even more flustered. "Were you going to confess your love for he-"

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH WINRY!"

This time around, all Edward's screaming did was make the balloon in Mer-Tamaki's stomach inflate higher. He couldn't be happier at the thought of his dear elf friend and the girl of his dreams finally realizing their love for each other. Edward could deny it all he wanted, Mer- Tamaki knew _exactly_ what those looks he always gave the female elf meant.

"It's okay," Mer-Tamaki reassured him. "You don't have to hide these things from me. As President of the Ouran Mer-Host Club, I know everything about love and it's twisted, yet beautiful, ways."

Somehow, even while in a distress and frenzied state of mind, Edward was still able to access the sarcasm side of brain and narrow his eyes at Mer-Tamaki while the idiot sighed and fawned over his own self-proclaimed greatness.

"Oh really?" he asked lightly. "Then tell me, oh guru of romance, how's confessing to Mer-Haruhi been going for you?"

It was actually really funny how fast Mer-Tamaki went from cloud nine, to the (figuratively speaking) cold, hard, unfeeling ground. The merman's smile drooped into a deep frown, Edward couldn't fight back a barrage of snickers at the sight.

"Th-that has absolutely nothing to do with this," he insisted defensively. "And besides, she's like a daughter to me, nothing more."

"Oh, don't give me that cra-"

**Munch**

**Munch**

**Munch**

All talking ceased as Edward and Mer-Tamaki looked back onto the dock, where a centaur had just appeared from out of nowhere. He had messy black hair and dark circles around his eyes. His human torso was covered by a plain white shirt, and his horse's legs and backside were denim blue. In his hands was a large piece of vanilla cake with three strawberries on top. The L-taur raised a forkful of cake to his lips and bit it off, chewing slowly and sparing the confused elf and merman a glance.

"Don't mind me, gentlemen," the L-taur said, dropping the fork on the half full plate so he could chew on his thumb. "I'm just having a snack."

Edward and Mer- Tamaki continued to stare in absolute silence for several more seconds before very slowly turning back around.

"Don't give me that crap!" Edward shouted. "Everyone can see that you've got it bad for her."

"Do not," Mer-Tamaki insisted, turning his entire body away to indicate and end to the conversation. Edward just groaned and face palmed.

"Whatever," he ground out. "I don't care, just don't pour anymore water into my house, understand?"

Mer-Tamaki, though still insistent on standing by his convictions, did turn back around in order to properly promise Edward that it would be so. He then smiled, thinking this would be the end to a stressful situation and that he and Edward could now calmly talk about some other subject. That all changed when Edward's expression went from annoyed, to thoughtful, to shock, and finally some odd emotion Mer-Tamaki couldn't place. All he knew was that the air around them was starting to darken, and he _really _didn't like it.

"I just realized," Edward's voice was low, perfectly matching the atmosphere. "I'm an elf in this story."

Mer-Tamaki titled his head to one side. "I know, what about it?"

"I'm an _elf_," Edward said again after a pause.

"Okay…" Mer-Tamaki said, gripping the wooden planks tighter.

Edward clicked his tongue, then his eyes shot to the apprehensive merman.

"Tell me, Mer-Tamaki," he said conversationally. "What are elves known for?"

"Christmas?" Mer-Tamaki answered.

"What else?"

"…those cute little Christmas hats and shoes with the bells on them?"

"What. Else?"

Mer-Tamaki glanced around, searching in vain for anything he could use to distract Edward from whatever was bothering him. Finding nothing, he resigned himself to the problem at hand and racked his brain for an answer to the posed question.

"Oh, I know," he said brightly after only a few seconds. "They're all really sma-"

He stopped. Edward sucked in a breath. Mer-Tamaki felt like a 16-ton weight had just been dropped on his head.

"-all," his traitorous lips finished the word.

Edward lowed his head, leaving only pitch black eyes visible beneath his hair line. Mer-Tamaki felt a fear in the pit of his stomach unlike any he ever felt before, and it was repeating a single word in his head over and over again: run.

"Uh… it was nice talking to you Edward," he said with forced friendliness. "But I really have to go now. See you later!"

Mer-Tamaki dove back into the water, not wasting a second. It didn't matter, as Edward hadn't noticed, nor did he care that the merman was gone. His whole body began to shake with barely suppressed rage as he raised his head all the way up to the heavens.

"Oh, you're gonna get it," he said. "You're gonna pay for this."

He whirled around and broke into a sprint, moving fast enough to leave a trail of fire behind, and all the while still shrieking at the sky.

"YOU ARE SO DEAD, ARTEMIS! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!"

Meanwhile, the L-taur hadn't moved an inch amid the growing chaos. He spared Edward an indifferent glance as he passed, but otherwise just kept chewing on that cake at the same slow pace, savoring every bite.

"It's good today," he said to himself. "I must ask Wa-taur-i to save the recipe."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Written as part of The-DA-Ranger-Group's Secret Ranger event.**

**My giftee, Guardianxofxtime, said she liked Ed, Tamaki, L and mythological stuff, so I thought to myself, "Why not take all those things and mix them together?" And this is the extremely stupid result of that extremely stupid idea! :D**

**And don't worry about that last part, Ed doesn't _really_know where I live, so there's no way he can come here and kill me for this! :) Nope, not a chance in hell...**

**...**

**That's weird, for a second there, I thought I heard the sound of someone breaking down my front door... and someone climbing up the staircase... and someone shoving an automail fist through my bedroom door- I have to go now bye! *runs***


End file.
